Thursday, September 28, 2006

marriage conversation

What's yelling about? Who are you yelling at? Step back. Ask yourself this: what is happening right now that has me so scared? What is in my memory bank? What does this remind me of? What am I afraid I'm losing/ is going to happen? Who is biggest in my imagination right now?

Yelling takes you away from what you need and pulls you into your fear. The trick is to 'sober up' and let go of the emotional rush that you get when you connect to your fear.

Stan and Dee feed off each other's fear. Their children are learning how to duplicate their patterns and if Stan and Dee don't soon stop their self indulgence, the children will have a lot of work to do in their own marriages.

What would be most helpful to say to Stan if you were on the phone?

Monday, September 25, 2006

What are you yelling about?

We can see/ hear/ feel the hysteria in the family. Also, it's not hard to get Stan's sense of love for his family, and that his competence is heavily challenged. What would you do? What would you say?

Friday, September 22, 2006

What are you yelling about?

I am a marriage coach which is a lot different than being a marriage counselor. Coaches can coach which means we often direct and advise - not so common among counselors. The couple I will tell you about is not fictional so I will change identifiable characteristics to protect their dignity and privacy. You will not be able to identify them from this blog even if you had a list of every couple I've worked with over the past 25 years.

Stan and Dee called to get some help. I happened to pick up the phone and got them "live." In the background I could hear children screaming and Stan was saying, no, yelling, "give me a little space!" When he got to a quieter part of the house he was crying. "We're a mess" he said. "Everyone is yelling and now it's getting physical. I don't know what to do!"

We started with basic information. What's going on. How did this begin? Tell me a little about who is in the most pain. Who is the most frightened? Stan said, "frightened? No one is frightened. Everyone is mad as hell. My son came home and changed the TV to a program he wanted to see and all hell broke loose. My daughter hit him. My wife hit my daughter and this just as I came in from work. I started yelling for everyone to calm down, but it only got worse. Dee pushed me and told me I had no business yelling, that I was always yelling and that's why nobody respected anyone in this family. Then she started yelling at all the children to go to their rooms. No TV tonight! My son threw his backpack at the TV as he went by it to go up the
stairs." He started crying again. "I think we're falling apart."

Friday, April 28, 2006

Podcast #9: Spirtuality and grief

How your spiritual instincts show up in the face of grief -- yours or others. If you have faced grief you know how difficult words can be.

Listen to my podcast on this topic here.

Podcast #8: Dealing with personal pain

Do you remember a time of great personal pain? Many of us are wounded but for some the wounds seem to get in the way of personal relationships.

Listen to my podcast on this topic here.

Podcast #7: Lifeless marriages

Do you ever wonder why so many marriages seem lifeless, boring or even deeply troubled? How many marriages do you know that would make a good model for your own marriage? Marriage needs a whole new way of imagining its promise, its richness, and its complexity.

Listen to my podcast on this topic here.

Podcast #6: Chronic arguments with your teenager

Do you find yourself having the same argument over and over again with your teenaged child? Teens like to challenge authority, but in order to speak with authority, you have to know a few basic things.

Listen to my podcast on this subject here.

Podcast #5: I don't want to talk about it

Avoiding conflict is a major relationship destroyer. Try taking a step back and say something else to defuse the situation.

Listen to my podcast here on this topic.

Podcast #4: Finishing each other's sentences

My wife is so bright she thinks she knows what I am going to say before I finish saying it. Anticipation of what our partner is going to do or say is a relationship stopper. It helps you to listen and to discover who they are.

Listen to my podcast on this subject here.

Podcast #3: Seeing eye to eye with your spouse

Do you and your spouse always see eye to eye? The way we "see" the world absolutely forms the way we talk about important matters. The way men are conditioned to fantasize about sex is hugely different than the way women imagine it.

Lisen to my podcast on this topic here.

Podcast #2: Fighting about money

Have you ever had a fight with your spouse about money ? Fights about finances are one of the most common challenges that couples face. But the trick is how to look into yourself and understand your own fears.

Listen to my podcast here.

Welcome to The Marriage Conversation

Welcome to the Marriage Conversation podcasts.

Listen to my first podcast here