The Marriage Conversation Blog

Tell her what she doesn't know you know

2009-02-09T08:52:00.000-08:00

In all conversations, I confess, I am addicted to listening for-'what's missing.' Not so much what's being said as what's not being said. "We have a good marriage," a woman recently told me and then went on to offer a kind of unsolicited qualification. "Of course we have our struggles," she added and I listened.

"Bob likes to offer solutions," she went on, "and sometimes I find that tiring. Of course I'm not perfect either..." I wondered what she needed at that moment. I met her in Starbucks and we started out chatting about the rain, the planet's stingy gift in Southern California.

I offered something lame I think, "well men do like to solve problems." She only looked at me. Didn't respond but went on, perhaps believing that by educating me, a man, she would in some way potentially be educating Bob.

"You know sometimes a solution is not what you want to hear." I nodded, starting to realize that I was, to her, more of an audience than a participant in a conversation. "I suppose all marriages have their challenges, and, you know, he's a good man." I didn't know but I was willing to take her word for it.

I then started wondering how my wife would describe me to a stranger in a coffee shop. Or how I would describe her if I had occassion to. Perhaps I'd start out "my wife likes living with me. Of course I'm a pain in the neck but I appreciate that she likes me." Then when my 'audience' said something mundane back to me as I did to the lady in the coffee shop, I'd add "she's unpredictable. To me at least. I never know what she's going to say or when she's going to say it. What I enjoy most, I think, is her unpredictability."

Couples know a lot about their partners but perhaps conversations could be expanded if they told each other what each other doesn't know they know. Or see. Or experience. Or believe. My wife might like knowing that I enjoy her unpredictability - I think she thinks it's a problem for me. Maybe I'll tell her. Tonight.

Marriage Transformed: Five steps to improve your marriage

2009-02-02T11:26:00.000-08:00

Marriage Transformed

Five quick and easy steps to improve your marriage.

There’s a ton of advice out there. Let’s boil some of it down to basics. Here are five things you can do today to increase the quality of your loving:

1. Say your partner’s name outloud three times. Then say three simple things outloud that you like about him/ her.
2. Pick your favorite of these and email or phone message them with it immediately.
3. Create a surprise for your partner today. Ideas: pick up a book, pick a flower, do a chore that is normally theirs to do, listen three minutes without interrupting except to ask clarifying questions, draw a picture of you loving them, write a short poem.
4. Pull out an old picture of the two of you having fun, make a homemade frame (a friend did this with sticks from the yard) and place it by their dinner place.
5. Tell them of your dreams for this relationship.

Marriage is a work (of joy) in progress. Embrace your today.

Stephen W. Frueh PhD
www.MarriageConversation.com

Loving simplicity

2009-01-27T16:39:00.000-08:00

The elephant seals make it look simple. Squawking on the a strip of beach north of San Simeon in central California they herd their young while looking a lot like healthy couples. Here's a father haruumphing and flopping over the sand to get next to his partner who, it just so happened, was hanging out with another male seal. The guest left hurriedly as father/mate approached. He lustily bit his partner on the back of the neck and she squawked with enthusiasm - "yes I'm yours."

They have no problem claiming their love, keeping it current or laying in the sun happily while the kids nurse and flop around themselves.

My daughter and her eleven year old friend watched this social event with glee. We had just arrived having decided to take a quick three day trip up the coast while mama vacationed with friends in Vegas. I was aware of my complicated way of thinking, of my always wanting to understand, of my sometimes need to put my own relationship under too fine a focus.

I was reminded of the first lines of a beautiful poem by David Whyte .. "And we know when Moses was told,

in the way he was told,

'take off your shoes!' He grew pale from that simple

reminder of fire in the dusty earth.

He never recovered

his complicated way of loving again

and was free to love in the same way

he felt the fire licking at his heels loved him... Fire in The Earth, David Whyte

After a bit we left the amazing elephant seals and as we did my daughter pointed and said "look Papa, triplets."

Tolstoy once said this "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." We were reminded of one simple truth as we watched the families of elephant seals. Uncomplicated loving is a pathway to happiness, lowers your stress, and may, occassionally, get you a sweet bite on the neck.

Sully

2009-01-18T09:34:00.000-08:00

Many of us were deeply moved by the stories of flight 1549 United Airways and its pilot "Sully." His competence was flawless, his presence impeccable, and his humility touched our hearts. He did, he said, "what we are trained to do."

This kind of straightforward talk reflects an attitude not only of accepting a high level of competence as a personal standard, but also of the 'servant leader.' Sully checked his plane twice to ensure all passengers under his care where out of the plane.

It's not too big a jump, I hope, to remind ourselves that what we bring to the challenges of marriage requires deep commitment to consistently increase our relational competencies. And, the ability or capacity to love those we love is a necessary competency as well.

What we came into marriage with was perhaps a romantic notion - if we were 'in love' and could stay 'in love' everything would be alright. Nothing wrong with being 'in love.' Feels good, opens communication, deepens commitment. May I not sound Scrooge-like on that. But...

'In love' for most of us comes and goes. A lot of what we feel as 'in love' is hormonal, or seasonal, or biological clock stuff, some of it is fascination and some, good old fashioned desire. But healthy marriages need a deep underground river of loving as well to sustain them through the inevitable challenges of life and marriage.

We call that 'the need to love' and it is the first principle in our philosophy of marriage. While 'in love' may feel good, focusing on loving your partner is good - good for them and good for you. What would loving your partner look like?

Here are a couple of simple ideas:
* loving my honey 'looks like' paying attention to her challenges rather than dismissing or analyzing her. Simple listening, without bringing my own agenda, is helpful for her.
* loving her means withdrawing my theories, diagnoses, analyses, and speculations about her - her motives, her feelings, her intentions - and instead asking her, often, who she is.
* loving her means developing the capacity to get out of my own head once in awhile, to stop whining, stop complaining, stop withdrawing - and be present to her and with her.
* and loving her means including her in my own loneliness, or lostness or wandering. She can take it. She loves me.

Look at Captain 'Sully.' He didn't posture or complain, didn't grandstand, didn't jump off the plane first. He worked for over forty years to become fully competent and when the occasion came he 'simply did his job.' That's what competence is all about.

What's up?

2009-01-14T10:31:00.000-08:00

Wednesday's mornings I get to drive my 10 y/o daughter to school. It's about a 20 minute drive so we get time to talk, a favorite time for me. We load her (newly achieved full size) cello and trombone into the back of the car, add backpack stuffed with lunch box, homework and treasures. Add music bag.

This morning we're driving a rental suv the result of a slight fender bender someone else's daughter had with my wife's Scion. I talked to her father. We agreed it was a "million dollar accident" - hopefully lesson learned, damage small, no injuries. We also agreed that being a father was a vulnerable enterprise. We love our daughters and now they are out there in the world and protecting them becomes more and more a matter of faith.

My daughter pops her feet up on the dash - "can I do this in this car?" she asks. Why not I say and she reaches over and grabs my hand holding it tight in her lap. Soon she's dozing off and I see the woman in the girl, her mother's body, her serious approach to school, her inquisitive spirit.

These moments reminding me of my years on a Pennsylvania farm when I was a boy and again when I was a teenager. I loved the smells of earth overturned in plowing, of new grass mowed for haying, the barn in winter, my own small calf whose milky mouth smelled sweet. Later in our ride I tell my daughter of silage in winter and how the cows went kind of crazy with the smell of it. Promise of spring grasses, days out in the pasture. I was fully present to these experiences, and lived them as Dylan Thomas says (Fern Hill) as if "time held me golden in her arms."

These memories remind me of the critical importance of being present with my daughter of being here, now. I am so easily seduced into worrying about finances, or global warming, or violent conflicts in other parts of the world. All legitimate concerns. Yet, these moments with a ten year old 'tween' who will herself soon be forming the consciousness another generation offers to the challenges of this world, these moments are golden.

Crises are opportunities for coming together

2008-12-02T10:51:00.000-08:00

I am always looking for good news. Not easy when the front pages of the two newspapers I read daily are covered with mostly alarming news. What I've noticed with some of the couples I coach, however, is an increase in creative problem solving, a new commitment to an old idea - 'we can do this,' and a resulting intimacy that comes with sharing challenges.

One of the newly appointed people in the new administration (sorry I can't remember who) said it this way: 'never waste the opportunity in a crisis.' That's good and it's a healthy balancer. We who might have been seduced by a generation of advertisers offering us the perpetual good life are now being reminded that life is ... well, life. Inflations and deflations, recessions and depressions are not new. They have occurred throughout time. So has greed, so has stupidity.

Relationally you might want to take the gift in being challenged economically as an opportunity for moving closer. One couple I know recently started walking to the supermarket which is about a mile from their home instead of driving. They decided to a) save gas, b) enjoy a little family time, c) gain some exercise and d) escape their tv addiction. They also cut down some of their coaching time with me because, they said, "we are now talking more on our walks and trying our hand at some of the issues we brought to you in the first place."

We teach a marriage paradigm that takes advantage of the three journeys within marriage. That first journey is living in this world as "roommates." What they are doing is beginning to use the current economic challenges to 'drive' a deeper friendship (the third journey is the journey into deep friendship or intimacy) within their family.

And, 'we can do this' is really about inviting all family members into shared vision. Once you begin to back away from the drum beat of a marketing culture that shortcuts human activity and promotes spectator living you also begin to rediscover the enormous potential of the individuals within your family for living creatively.

Turn off the tv, walk to the store, make dinners together, plant a miniature herb garden in your kitchen, wash your own cars together, create your own 'fast food' meals, spend some time 'brainstorming' around money - enjoy the people you are connected with, whether you're a couple or a family. See what happens.

As I headed off for bed last night, my honey was sorting through coupons with my ten year old daughter. "We can save hundreds of dollars a month," I heard her say. I slept like a baby.

Coaching: email or phone: Stephen@WithTheseRings.com 805 527 2600
www.WithTheseRings.com
www.StephenFrueh.com

Marriage, Money and Mayhem

2008-11-21T16:21:00.000-08:00

A crisis in most cases depends for its severity on your own perception. Some people lose a job and see it as a catastrophe, others might see it as an opportunity. I know a very wealthy man who owns and operates restaurants. I once asked him what he'd do if his (first) restaurant burned down. He said "I'd throw a party! It would give me the freedom to try something new."

The spreading financial crisis we are in today also offers multiple points of view. If you're heavy into stocks, it's pretty serious. If you are a financial crisis counselor, this is your moment. Within marriage, challenges can drive a sense of panic which can drive a couple apart. We forget to hug.

It's important to remember the formula for hysteria: two parts fear, one part anger plus a whole lot of projection (we like to think we know the future). We don't know as much as we think we know and, if you're addicted to media versions of life chances are your fear will be fed until your psyche is obese with it. Relationally, fear plus anger equals distance.

For a moment, turn away from the sources of information you rely on. Turn towards your partner and in the quietest possible way share your fears. Don't try, at that moment, to analyze them, and don't try to solve them. Simply share them with each other. When you're done, repeat this simple sentence to each other: "I do not know what anything (including this current situation) means. And I will not use my past experience to guide me now." (this is from The Course on Miracles and is a good meditative sentence)

Another good meditative sentence comes from the New Testament. I have taken the liberty to write the apostle Paul's words in my own language. Here it is: "There are no challenges confronting you but those that are common to men. God, however, is right here and able to help. He will not challenge you beyond your abilities but will, with the challenge, offer a pathway through that you may be able to succeed." (I Corinthians 10:13)

Money is a 'shape shifter' and can easily seduce us into feeling like we're orphans. When mayhem beckons, move towards each other. Embrace your love. Live in the present and remember 'you are not alone.'

No Holiday Parties

2008-11-13T10:24:00.000-08:00

News item: Thursday, November 13, 2008 CNN

Large companies canceling their Christmas parties. Reason: the tanked economy.

I heard this and thought this: Why have Christmas parties anyway? Many of the employees interviewed were not disappointed at all. Most would prefer a gift of money in place of a lavish party.

Made me think about weddings. Average cost in the U.S. around $60,000. That's a pretty substantial party. But what benefit is it to the young couple starting out? Weddings have morphed from a fairly simply religious ceremony to expensive displays. There has been little evolution in thought or consideration of what a marrying couple needs most.

We think there are a few fundamentals missing. One is the idea of community. A wedding could be the occasion for inviting the various 'sub' communities of a couple (church/synagogue/town/extended family/work friends, etc) to give their gifts of wisdom, advice, stories - enabling the couple to begin with a sense of the deep respect and love of those around them. A wedding could express the generational wisdom, customs and stories of each partner's ancestors.

Weddings could also be an occasion for giving - not only gifts of money to the couple as they launch their life together - but giving to disadvantaged families. It could be an opportunity to express community by sharing the generosity of the celebration with one or two families who struggle.

We think weddings can be an individual and community turning point in which the celebration of new partnership draws the community into deeper commitment to one another, raises awareness of the needs of others and helps communities focus on its own possibilities for service, sharing and growth.

The lavish company Christmas parties being canceled right now might do well to re-evaluate their purpose and to use the opportunity to ask 'what is the most useful way to spend this energy, time and money for the good of all involved?'

For more on how to create a wedding that celebrates the heart, contact Stephen W. Frueh M.Div, PhD at 805 338 4286 or Stephen@WithTheseRings.com

Worry

2008-08-05T11:40:00.000-07:00

I worried all weekend around the fact that my family (of origin) is coming from scattered locations on the East Coast to celebrate my birthday this week. I worried about the unpainted hall doors. . so I painted them. I worried about the yards.. so I groomed them. I worried about.. well you get it. I worried about being OK for all these people that I love so deeply.

I didnt' have to. My worry is pure projection. Are you familiar with that idea? Projection is taking some idea or thought or image - usually a negative one - and "superimposing" it on another person, much like a movie projector does to the blank screen at the front of the theater.

I project because living in the present and actually experiencing another's response is somehow more frightening than creating the outcome before it happens. Projection protects us from disappointment - or we pretend it does. These thoughts led me to ideas about faith.

I've been around long enough to know that I'm not an accident of chemistry and I live in a family that takes their faith in God (you may use "higher power" or "the source" or another word if you like) seriously. My sister will ask me about my faith and I'll tell her this: "God believes in me."

This is simply my admittance that I surrender to the origin of all being, trust in the profound love I experience every single day, and am in awe at the wonder of creation. My projection is not aimed there. It's a personal thing, and this is what it has to do with faith.

When I am able to relax and accept the profound gifts of this life - the gift of living, the presence of children, the amazing brainstorming processes around global challenges, the privilege of work, the idealism of friends, the presence of conflict - when I can embrace these and other aspects of living, then I can (I call it faith) accept that my life is happening exactly like it's happening. I get to live it.

When I can't I immediately begin projecting my fears onto any available loved one in a desperate attempt to protect myself from the truth. What is the truth? God believes in me. And, if that is so, perhaps I better get busy doing the same.

And, my family? They're all simple good loving people who love me whether I show up in rags with an unmowed lawn, or entertain them with shrimp scampi. Shrimp scampi? Maybe I'll try that. It couldn't hurt....

Growing into your life

2008-05-20T09:25:00.000-07:00

This morning I read a short article by a positive thinker person. A good and uplifting piece. But one thing he said caught me. It was this: "you can't change the past. You can only come to terms with it. You can change the future."

I was taken back to a conversation with an old friend of mine, Paul Fairweather. Paul was a fighter pilot in the second world war flying more than 80 missions in a P51. He was wise, generous, and full of a kind of spiritual energy that was magnetic. One day we were talking about the issue of change and what we do with past wounds.

"There are those who say you can't change the past" he said, "but I disagree. I change the past every day." He went on to explain that the past is carried in our imaginations. Those who study the philosophy of history have noticed that history has no absolute truth or absolute reality but what we understand of history is a joint product of many 'imaginations' recreating stories told by other 'imaginations.' We create the past just as we do the present.

Changing the past is necessary to living your life fully. Relationally, if you are 'locked' into one version of past experience every day is going to look a lot like yesterday. In workshop settings we frequently teach couples how to 're-imagine' past wounds, how to integrate the wisdom inherent in every challenging experience, how to reframe issues that they have chronically and negatively repeated.

Change the past and you'll change the present. In fact, changing the way you relate to the past is the only way you can fully live in the present and living in the present opens the door to loving in a way that is true.

For more on this check out www.marriageconversation.com

Walking in the Dark: Why Modern Marriages Struggle

2008-05-05T13:17:00.000-07:00

Walking in the Dark : why modern marriages struggle.

What we carry within us – a true image of relationship possibility – has long ago been obscured by the noise of commerce, the seductions of culture and the demands of living.

Our instinctual knowledge of partnering, our need to love, our aspirations of creating a family with longevity, all suffer from inattention. We could say we are pressured to focus on what we want and increasingly ignorant of what we need.

Here are a few distractions – bite sized ‘news,’ the call to instant gratification of needs, the absence of meaningful conversations, life style impermanence and the loss of community, and the omnipresence of television.

Forgive please the rant in this. I wondered if I should even have ‘gone there’ again. I do so because I coach – couples who want to bring life back into relationships that have flat lined and leaders who’ve lost their tether to their own instincts and their own wisdom.

The two, marriage competency and leadership competency, have a great deal in common. They both require certain skills and talents and, far more important, require a continuous deepening of connection to your self, your own center – the cauldron of meaning, values, love energy and genius with which each of us has been blessed but from which many have become disconnected.

This inner world can lose its vividness, fecundity, energy as well as the power to guide us if we ignore it. You can tell if you are ignoring it by a simple test.

Does the word marriage awaken a sense of awe, deep possibility, a longing for community and a sense of belonging in you? If not, your inner world is neglected.
Does the word divorce roll off your tongue as easily as, say, vacation, going shopping or the time of day? If it does you’ve lost contact with your own deep values.

These are powerful words. They offer deep meaning and point to relationship possibilities and relationship fractures. They describe common human experiences – the need for partnering, the sorrow of failure.

The ‘dark’ we walk in, is the forgetfulness with which we treat these two ideas. When powerful ideas lose their connection to powerful events, we lose their substance. Think ‘democracy,’ ‘loyalty,’ ‘sacrifice,’ and ‘commitment.’

We are meant to mate. We are meant to share ourselves intimately with another. We long to be known and we need to love. These define us and shape the quality of our everyday lives.

How is that like leadership? Someone said this to me recently: ‘Leaders aren’t appointed, leaders volunteer.’ She meant, I think, to remind me of something often overlooked – that leadership is a quality we all have. What we don’t do, probably because we aren’t able to be conscious of our gift, is volunteer it.

This is a big idea. It’s an idea that can change how you relate to your work in this world, your partner, your community, and your children. Without connection to the gift you bring, you will relate to yourself and therefore to others as if you have nothing special to offer. You might even have been educated to call that humility.

This loss – the unawareness of who you are and what you bring – causes a dumbing down of attitude about marriage and similarly about leadership. If you’re leading but not aware of who you are and what you bring your leadership will look more like management.

If you’re married and unaware of yourself, every day will look a lot like yesterday. There will not be any new ideas introduced, relational energy will be low, and emotional vitality will flat line.

Underneath this it is time for a new paradigm – for marriage as well as for leadership. Paradigms which don’t so much describe the idea by what they do – leaders create shared vision, establish goals, set parameters of responsibility; marriage is a romance, party (the wedding), and a commitment to stay together, but create an invitation to what they may become.
Paradigms shape our expectations. Consider JFK’s famous “ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country.” He was inviting a paradigm shift. A new paradigm for marriage is available in the recently published, With These Rings, Vol. I.

A new paradigm for leadership is currently in development. We hope to have it published by early next year.

In other words darkness is itself a paradigm also a metaphor. Challenge it and the light will flood in.

Fire

2008-05-02T14:22:00.000-07:00

The fire we carry within doesn’t thrive without attentiveness. You must tend it. Tending means adding fuel, providing plenty of oxygen, occasional stirring and always honoring it.

My own view is that as we age many things distract us from adding fuel. Fuel might be a night or a full day alone. It might be taking two hours or so at a bookstore to browse, take notes, learn. This is part of my routine at least two times a month.

Alone time for some might be a weekend camping or renting a cabin in the mountains. No booze, no family, just you, your notebook, and a few good books. Hiking helps.

Other distractions are television, overeating, busywork, conversations with people who do not honor what you bring or who you are. Pay attention to your own natural genius and your dreams – write about it, think on it, meditate.

To give oxygen to your fire you’ll need to take risks, do something outlandish, be bold, throw the dice. Love someone you find unloveable, tell your spouse something you usually avoid talking about, take a child to church. To church?

Children are spiritually alive and are available to mentor us if we allow them to.

Go to see a play or movie that isn’t so much entertaining as mind blowing. Take a walk in a non suburban environment. Roller skate in a park.

The fire, your fire, needs your attentiveness and your love. Embrace it.

I invite your thoughts on tending the fire within.
Stephen

Acknowledgement

2008-05-01T10:05:00.000-07:00

I failed to acknowledge the source of the image I used yesterday regarding fear. It comes from a wonderful book by Michael Meade, The World Behind the World. Michael is a well known storyteller, scholar of mythology, antropology and psychology, a true world citizen and one of my teachers. Thanks Michael for all you contribute. You can learn more about his work at www.mosaicvoices.org

To my son on his wedding day

2008-04-30T17:32:00.000-07:00

April 30, 2008

On the day you are wed:

You both know that I have worked hard to understand what it is that marriage adds to life. I have listened to hundreds of couples talk of their marriage as if it were a disposable toy. I have also met couples who see that marriage itself broadens and deepens not only their own life but creates a sanctuary that is indispensable for the children.

Of course there is fear: can we do it? Is he the right one? Is she too much trouble? There is fear of abandonment, fear of not being understood, fear of changing conditions. You’ll have your own serving of fears.

There is an old tale told about the lions in the vast savannahs of Africa. When the herds are coming, and therefore food, they pick the oldest lion one who is toothless and no longer good for the hunt. They send him to the opposite side of the savannah and as the herds approach he roars his terrible roar.

The young lions, positioned on the opposite side, wait. The herd runs away from the roar and toward what they think is safety… where a great many are caught and eaten.

The story tells us to “run towards the roar.” It is another way of saying “run toward your fear.” If you are stuck, if you think you are being misunderstood, if you think the other person is a jerk… run toward not away from your fear.
Embracing the fear (and the conflict) is a way of embracing your intention in marrying one another. There is no greater insurance to birthing a good marriage than daily embracing your love for one another.

You are in my arms, in my thoughts and in my prayers. God’s blessing on you both and on your children.
I love you,
Dad

Authenticity in Leadership

2008-04-16T17:33:00.000-07:00

Many people think leadership and marriage are two separate conversations. We see them as intertwined - You're as good a partner as you are a leader, as effective a leader as you are a partner. Here's a little piece on authentic leadership.

There's a lot of talk out there around developing the leadership of a company. What does that mean? There is of course, the need for a leader to be focused. That means he or she knows and understands the company vision as well as their own vision for the company. Focus is also about developing the capacity to stay on track, to drive goals and anticipate challenges.
We think leaders are people who know how to listen. Old idea? Yes. And brand new. We've learned a lot about listening in the past few years. Competency here means that a leader can 'tune in' to whoever is in front of them, can suspend their own assumptions while listening, can ask the speaker if they believe they are heard, and can use their talent to reframe the conversation in a positive proactive way. Listening is more than being respectful of the other. It's active. It's leading.
Leaders are people who have integrity and who know the difference between 'acting like a leader' and being a leader. A good concept here that many are talking about is the 'servant leader.' He or she is one who isn't focused on applause, approval or their own ego. They see the good of the shared mission of the company or organization as more important than than anything they are worried about.
When teaching leadership we use the twin ideas of legitimacy and the orphan. Legitimate leaders are centered, have a clear sense of who they are and what they're doing, are deeply respectful of others and believe in their own choice to lead. "Orphans" used in this context, doubt themselves and therefore ask others to prop them up. Orphans dramatize set backs and often blame others for their challenges. Orphan leaders really do not believe they belong in the position they themselves have volunteered for.
A good consultant will tune in to the real challenges of the leaders who hire them. We don't believe much in 'templates' for consultation, not because many templates aren't good, but because every leadership challenge is unique and therefore there is the need to listen in, articulate the challenges, create a language for reframing what's needed and finally, create a pathway that will grow the company.
Stephen Frueh PhD
Stephen@StephenFrueh.com
805 338 4286

2008-04-14T22:39:00.000-07:00

There are many fathers out there with young daughters. Most of you who emailed are in awe of them. I am too. But there's another thing to remember. Though leaving childhood, they are still children. Though growing in competence and independence, they are still needy of your love and healthy authority. Though experimenting with ideas, style and increasing freedom, they are still in need of boundaries.

Many daughters have told me this: "my father disappeared when I hit puberty." It's true. Many fathers are very uncomfortable with their daughter's emerging sexual presence. You'll have to overcome your fear and stand firm in your love and tenderness.

Daughters are a treasure, an ongoing learning community, a gift, and a source of continual nourishment. Enjoy the multi faceted richness they offer.

Stephen@WithTheseRings.com

Daughters

2008-04-12T10:30:00.000-07:00

My ten year old daughter, savy, energetic and tuned in has just turned the corner from sweet five year old who adores daddy to pre teen queen for whom daddy is a servant leader. She interrupts my sentences with "I know Dad!" and has ramped up her self definition to include "I'm not going there!" (as in not going to somewhere her mother and I are going).

She spends more time in front of a mirror, takes more care with choice of clothes, hangs out more with friends and is more curious about just about everything. She is, in short, a phenom.

This morning we flared at each other. That's what it was because it wasn't really a fight as much as a flare. Old school daddy doesn't adapt well to this sudden certainty she brings to about everything I talk about. There's some fear here for me. Am I already losing my importance in her life? Will she accelerate her embrace of her own individuality and fly out of our love and our life? Is this all I get of her childhood?

I have to stop, look and listen to get regrounded in what's happening. She is in a developmental swing. Going from the love of gnomes and fairies to the ever expanding world of friends, ideas and experiences - all new, all interesting, all exciting. She has a strong base in her mother's love and guidance and she is sure of my love for her and hers for me. That's not on the screen for her. That it is on the screen for me has a lot more to do with parts of my painful childhood than with anything she does.

She is growing up. I signed up for this. On good days I rejoice in it. This morning I had to find my feet, remember her deep love and acknowledge mine for her. As she was running out the door, backpack over her shoulder, dressed in her green soccer uniform, cleats clanking on the tile she shouted "I love you Papa..." Yeah, me too.

2008-03-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

Tuesday morning
A CEO called me early this morning. He was frustrated. His VP of sales 'wasn't getting it done.' She spent too much time on 'housekeeping' items - things that needed to be done around the office but that took her time away from selling product.

He said 'I tried to explain to her that her numbers were what kept us alive. Without her meeting her numbers the best run office in the world would be out of business.'

I coached him this way: she reads your mood before she hears your words. Your mood is angry and defeatist. Your words though rational can't be heard within the context of your angry mood.'

I thought of marriage, mine and others. Communication that is based in judgment, demands, diagnosis or theories about the other is communication destined for failure. When I take 100% responsibility for my own feelings and move toward changing an angry mood to a proposal for positive action I have increased my chances of being heard and my partners chances of being in relationship with me.

The CEO did this: he worked on solving the issues that got the attention of his VP of sales. He proactively set in motion specific ways to consistently address those issues. He removed her from 'the loop' of maintaining order at the office. Then he coached her in focusing on their agreed upon goals showing her a pathway in which she could succeed.

Leadership works in relationship. If you abandon your own self indulgence, and focus on what your partner needs you can create a situation in which you get what you need and they do as well.

"I saw a boy standing in a field of grass, late spring with a warm breeze and a horse feeding a short distance off. Warm sun, occassional flowers among the grass."
SF

Curiosity, Pathway to Intimate Conversation

2008-03-07T10:31:00.000-08:00

Curiosity, Pathway to Intimate Conversation

Many of us assume we know our partners – a lot of comedy is built around that premise – but we really don’t. Some of us say that our partners are unknowable, a line frequently spoken by men gathered, say, at a social event.

But what if you changed the assumption? What if you got that you don’t know this person you’re partnering with. What if you looked at them with new eyes saying to yourself ‘who is she?’ What if you began a conversation with him knowing that you don’t know who he is, what he is going to say, how he is going to react to what you are saying – what if you surrendered to the fact that there’s a lot to be discovered?

It would change your world. Assumptions are a firewall to intimate conversation. Assumptions keep every day looking a lot like yesterday. Assumptions are self reinforcing and, they tend to be self fulfilling prophecies.

Here’s a little story about assumptions. Within the New York City school system, some years ago, a research project was created to test the power of assumptions. A grade school class of low achievers and a grade school class of high achievers was chosen. The records of the low achievers were switched with the records of the high achievers at the end of the school year and given to their new teachers.

Guess what happened. The low achievers began to achieve more and the high achievers declined. The teacher’s expectations were driving student performance.

In any relationship assumptions and expectations are far more powerful than we imagine. Many assumptions we carry about our partners were learned long before we met our partners. Also we have ‘grafted’ on many relationship expectations from others that are not really our own. Our marriages stagnate and die because of this. We get weary trying to convince our partners we are not who they think we are.

I coach executives and executive teams. Recently an executive blamed the low performance of his company on ‘the business climate.’ I asked him why several other companies I knew that were in the same business and therefore in the same ‘climate’ were thriving. He looked at me and paused, then laughed. “Got me,” he said.

His assumptions were blinding him to the real issues in his company as well as the blind spots in his leadership.

Here’s a deadly relational sequence for you that will demonstrate the lethality of assumptions. If you want to see it graphically, rent the (now old) movie “Who’s afraid of Virginia Wolf?”

First make your assumptions about your partner.
Then criticize your partner for what you believe to be true about him/her.
Following your criticism you’ll probably be attacked. Defend yourself.
After your defense fails, shut down.
Within the shut down you can now show contempt for your partner.
Stonewall against any and all vulnerability.

This is called the cascading effects of making assumptions. It is a demonstration, a workshop, in the remarkable consequences of choosing to be unconscious in a relationship.

What’s the cure?
1. Admit that you do not know what you think you know about who your partner is.
2. Take 100% responsibility for your own attitudes, feelings and theories about your marriage.
3. Invite your partner into an “assumption free zone” conversation where you intentionally ask each other about values, beliefs, challenges, feelings etc.
4. Stop. Look. and Listen to what they say. Make no judgments. Decide to believe them. Use words like “really?” and “wow” and “tell me more.”

Curiosity is an attitude of love. Done right it is respectful, engaging, tender and sexy. Try it.

Tuesday afternoon Gratitude

2008-02-19T15:09:00.000-08:00

Real Live Preacher of www.HighCallingBlog.com has encouraged us to keep writing about marriage. Their blog is a blog worth visiting since it is not positional nor is it exclusionary. It could perhaps best be described as exploratory, inspirational and welcoming. It and its readers take the Christian faith seriously enough to welcome hard questions.
We do the same with marriage. We do not see marriage as a canned program, no doubts allowed, matching sweatshirts kind of thing. My wife and I are always embracing conflict, exploring our own and each others attitudes, and challenging beliefs and practices.
"Doesn't that wear you out?" a friend recently asked. No, I said, in fact we believe marriages are meant to be living wonders, always evolving, hardly ever static. Yes there's comfort, friendship, companionship - and all that requires a sense of stability, but we believe in change. Growing individually, exposing new ideas, thoughts, fears and hopes feeds this garden of ours and we are grateful for each other's willingness to engage.
HighCalling is doing the same thing regarding faith. We are grateful for their work.

Tuesday morning No Coffee

2008-02-19T08:28:00.000-08:00

The Beatles sang it this way "woke up, got out of bed, ran a comb across my head..." Early morning here in So.Cal. I'm padding down to the kitchen in the still too cool morning my wife already up and walking the dogs. I decide against coffee because the last three mornings it only made me sleepy.
"I grow old, I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.." T.S. Eliot wrote. But I'm not so much old this morning as tuning in to limitations. What's love about if it's not about energy. Love energy.
I look out the window and see her coming down our long driveway swinging her arms our two dogs almost prancing beside her, adoring her and happy in the crisp morning air. She is new england, she is Sarah Lawrence, she is earth. My energy picks up. My heart starts - having been on idle until this moment.
Love is energy plus seeing. I notice her smiling as she sees me looking out the window at her. I like her seeing me seeing her. I smile too.
In the front door and I am glad to have this woman as my partner. Glad that she's glad to be mine. It's Tuesday morning. No coffee. Lots of energy.

Love

2008-02-11T13:01:00.000-08:00

Love

Some say there are three kinds of love. Agape, which carries the meaning ‘to treat with affection,’ philia a kind of brotherly love, and eros the love that drives us to procreate. These three we all recognize but we think we could coin a term for a fourth kind of love.

Healthy marriages require a love that is sustaining and sustainable. Eros of course, is important to that kind of love, but eros will not fully carry it. Loving based on eros tends to have a short shelf life.

There is companionship – agape – in marriage. We all know though that good companionship while a necessary part of a good marriage is not itself enough to sustain deep commitment.

To love one another as a sister would a brother or a brother a sister, philia, is a beautiful description of caring yet we all want that and much more in our relationships.

Loving fully within marriage contains these three and requires more. I want to suggest that to grasp the fullest possibilities of loving within marriage we need a kind of ‘sustaining belief’ love. This love would include the willingness to embrace conflict, the seriousness of a well considered philosophy of marriage and the capacity to return to the garden that birthed our love in the first place.

What’s needed is a reservoir of energy for loving. It would show up as curiosity, attraction for the other, a certain kind of lightness of being, passionate commitment, deep belief and/ or wonder. It would look like continued and sustainable interest in our partner’s life, their challenges, their discoveries as well as a natural willingness to share our own.

I coach couples. Many have stopped growing and are recycling old wounds. Many hang around the water cooler of complaints, analyses or diagnosis of their partners. Some live with one foot out the door. They live in the fantasy of an ‘exit strategy’ not allowing the belief which originated with their love, to inform their daily interactions with their partners.

We might consider coining a new term for the kind of love needed – a love that is willing to contain all the necessary qualities of loving that not only hold a couple in deep relationship but that also drive the desire to mine the gold hidden within that relationship. Such a love has no time for analysis, complaints or diagnosis of a partner.
I’ve considered the root word for enthusiasm, entheos, because that word carries the idea of a god within. Certainly there is something majestic and awesome about an individual’s conscious choice to love deeply. There is also something holy about our decision to not indulge our petty diagnoses of one another but instead to take full responsibility for loving. We grow best by loving. It is fundamental to achieving a high quality of life. I’d welcome your suggestions for naming this more inclusive loving so necessary to reaping the possibilities within long term partnering.

St. Valentine’s Day is an artificial creation mainly designed for merchandising product. But that doesn’t mean we can’t use it for higher purposes. Use it to remind us that loving is a choice, that we all want to be special, considered, seen. That the love that got us started in the first place wasn’t an illusion, a ‘mistake,’ or merely the result of a hormone rush.
Healthy people choose partners for more reasons than they know. Marriage is about discovering the full range of possibilities within that choice. Embrace it with enthusiasm.

Fire and Ice Marriage in Southern California

2007-11-01T15:59:00.000-07:00

California wildfires remind us of many things not the least of which is how a dried out landscape can invite disaster. We look at marriage that way. Dry, humorless, cold and indifferent attitudes are or should be ‘red alerts’ for those who want healthy relationships.

What many people do is blame their partners. In nature lack of moisture is a pre – condition for the fire storms we read about. In marriage distance is precedent to ice.

When individuals give in to their lack of faith – ‘this love isn’t working;’ ‘maybe we made a mistake;’ ‘he’s not who I thought he was’ – they become their own theories and instead of looking within to find the source of the distance they begin to diagnose and speculate about their partners. This ‘drying out’ of the relationship environment leads to criticism and defensiveness – two of John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, his predictors of divorce.

Like the drought conditions in Southern California that are in some way tied to the subtle shifting of our climate which is in some way related to our self indulgent use of petroleum, distance within relationship is related to a lack of consciousness. It is an indicator of passing the buck.

Why do we do that? Most of us spent a lot of growing up time making up explanations for things we didn’t really understand. It might have been easy to blame the teacher for a poor grade instead of looking at one’s own learning competencies.

Our parents often misunderstood our intentions. Our friends sometimes misread us.
Learning to own one’s own happiness, goodness, and intentionality is a chore for a grown up. We might spend a lot of time in therapy ‘getting’ that the life we create is the life we’re living. In marriage if we don’t get this simple principle every day will look a lot like yesterday.
A woman I know told me this story. She lived with a high energy, somewhat manic business executive for 10 years or so. She complained frequently of his lack of time for her, of his many meetings, of his frequent phone calls when they were together. She told her friends that although he was a nice guy she couldn’t ‘stand’ being peripheral in his life. She asked him to go to therapy with her and he said he ‘rather not.’ He wasn’t hostile to her, didn’t have anything going with anybody else, and said he loved her. But she decided that it just wasn’t ‘what she wanted’ and filed for divorce.

When I met her several years after her divorce she was in another relationship with a high energy and successful businessman. She told me that she had deep remorse over divorcing her first husband. She had begun to look at her expectations. She said she was attracted to men with money and power and tended to idealize them.
Once together she expected that intimate relating would happen automatically since ‘they loved one another.’ She had few skills at building a relationship, little competency in communicating her love in an authoritative way, and virtually no ability to identify and talk about her own feelings.

To live the life you want to live you’ll have to claim it. Claiming may mean attaining new skill sets that you’ve neglected. It may mean getting some coaching or therapy to look more closely – not at what your partner is doing or not doing – but at your own ability to ask for what you need, to talk seriously about your own fears and shortcomings, and to claim a place in your partner’s life by creating an irresistible invitation to intimate relating.

If you don’t do this, every day will look a lot like yesterday.

Stephen W. Frueh, PhD is a leadership consultant, couples’ coach, mentor, writer and speaker.

Leadership and Marriage: They Feed each Other

2007-10-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

Leadership and Marriage: They feed each other

Leadership and Marriage are two concepts we don’t often put together. We seem to think.
relationships are about love, about communication, about listening and conflict resolution. Leadership is about vision, action, goals, accountability.

Recently in my work with business owners and corporate executives I have been increasingly asked ‘what constitutes a healthy marriage?’ This question leads me towards the interrelationship between leadership and marriage.

These two are drawn towards each other because one way to ‘frame’ the leadership conversation is to talk about relationship competency. If you are a doofus in relationships it will undermine your effectiveness as a leader regardless of how driven, creative, or brilliant you may be in the other dimensions of leadership.

And, a leader’s relational competency will surely show up in her/ his marriage. What does that look like? Relational competency includes, but is not limited to: your ability to actually hear what is being said (without trying to anticipate it with a counter argument); your capacity to speak the truth with empathy for another; the skill of embracing conflict and the courage and skill to see it all the way through; and the willingness to be fully accountable for your own actions, attitudes and moods.

These are leadership behaviors as well since a competent leader will not blame those around him, will not shirk from accountability and will be seen by those she leads as not only firm but empathetic, not only receptive but bulls eye clear in understanding.

Marriage needs leadership from both partners. This opens another conversation. What do we mean by leadership in this context? We all know the old definitions of leadership – authoritarian, decisively inflexible, demanding of sacrifice, top down etc. The ‘my way or the highway’ style of leadership has seen its day. Today’s leaders are gender blind, color blind, ethnic blind, age blind. They lead by consensus. They do not take credit for what others do but work hard to honor the input, work and gifts of those they lead. The effective leader today can be called a ‘servant leader’ because his/ her role is to bring out the best in the team, takes full accountability for errors and oversights and gives full credit for successes to those they lead. A big order.

This style of leadership works for either a wife or a husband in bringing a marriage to life. There is within the With These Rings paradigm (With These Rings published April 2007) the notion of Giftedness. What you uniquely see, how you uniquely shape a conversation, the instinctive gift you have for observing the world – may be called your ‘natural’ genius. This genius is the basis of your gift in relationship. Only you have it and it doesn’t have a whole lot to do with whether you are a man or a woman. It is your individual psychological/ spiritual/ emotional fingerprint. It is what makes you the who that you are.

Leadership within marriage could be thought of as each individual’s trust of their own natural genius. Leadership would look like partners deferring to each other’s gift. I’ll give you an example.

My partner has a wonderful sense of direction. She can tell north or south without looking at a compass. She is gifted in this way. I’m not. One aspect of our relational harmony is that I learned (after many years of resistance) to “surrender” to her gift. We no longer compete about where we are when driving, I no longer sullenly resist her instincts while getting further and further lost. I recognize her gift and acknowledge it. Done.

There are many other ways leadership shifts between us. Trusting (and knowing) each other’s gifts frees us from many useless arguments. And we both grow through the appreciation of what we bring to this journey we call marriage.

A truly effective leader will trust her instincts in marriage. A healthy and growing couple will see that leadership competencies feed the quality and depth of their marriage.

Without it, every day will look a lot like yesterday.

Stephen W. Frueh M.Div, PhD is a leadership consultant, couples’ coach, mentor, writer and speaker. He is a professional member of the National Speaker’s Association. He lives with his wife and family in Ventura County, California.

He can be contacted at:
Stephen@WithTheseRings.com
805 527 2600

Men and Women and Happiness

2007-10-01T14:47:00.000-07:00

Men and Women and Happiness

N.Y.Times 9/26/07 “A Reversal in the index of Happy”

I’m always surprised when a researcher, reporting their latest study comparing men and women, miss the idea or importance of relationship. Certainly many have marginalized marriage as a viable concept. And, clearly we’re moving in the direction of individuality over connectedness (could divorce statistics simply reflect a mass indifference to the power of relationship?) It may be that we are increasingly skeptical about relationships and their power to transform lives.

The article in the N.Y. Times that got me started thinking about all this appeared in the Wednesday, September 26 edition – “A Reversal in the Index of Happy.”

The study focused on tasks – cooking, cleaning, gardening – and compares the sexes along a continuum of emotional intensity - sadness or anxiety (stress). While they do get a measure they can use to compare women forty years ago with women today (they are unhappier) and men then to men now (they are happier) – the study misses entirely what happiness is about.

The Greeks debated the idea a long time ago. It was eudaemonia, happiness, that needed definition. What is it? What does it consist of? How do you know you’re there when you are there?

Happiness is only partly the absence of sorrow or stress. In fact, we could offer many examples of stress filled situations in which a person would describe herself or himself as very happy indeed. Consider a championship tennis match. Are the contestants happy to be playing in the final? Are they stressed?

Happiness is often debated because it’s elusive, ephemeral, highly idiosyncratic and very personal. But there’s one thing we know. Couples the world over can tell when their marriage is going well and they describe themselves as ‘happy’ and when it’s not. Happiness may mean a sense of well being, the presence of joy, or the absence of pain. Happiness in relationship probably means that there’s a deep sense of connectedness.

Here are a few observations about happiness. Happiness doesn’t happen to you, you make it happen. I coach couples and notice that a large number who describe their marriage as an unhappy one, tell me – before long – that it is their partner’s fault the marriage doesn’t work. So, observation number one: Taking full responsibility for your own happiness is fundamental to relationship happiness.
Observation number two: We all have a deep need to be ‘seen.’ If you doubt that this is true, find a child nearby and watch his face when you notice a. how hard they’ve worked on a painting or other project, or b. how much they love you. Notice what they offer, attend to their gifts and you’ll see faces that radiate happiness. When I say to my grandchildren for instance “wow! you really love me don’t you! Their faces light up with enthusiasm that is volcanic.

Observation number three: We all focus way too much on ‘being loved.’ The essence of adult happiness is to love. Whether or not my wife loves me on any particular day is her challenge, not mine. My responsibility to myself is to love the person I say I love. Read that again.
It is only by fully embracing my own need to love that I can even begin to realize the depth of love – and therefore happiness – within me.
And number three doesn’t stop with partners. We have a rock solid need to love our children (regardless of how they show up in the world), our neighbors, friends, extended family and, in fact, the citizens of the world. It is not optional.
So the next time you read an article about happiness, pull this one out and remind yourself. Life really can be ‘a bowl of cherries’ if you get your loving priorities in order.

Stephen W. Frueh M.Div, PhD is a leadership consultant, couples’ coach, mentor, writer and speaker. He is a professional member of the National Speaker’s Association. He lives with his wife and family in Ventura County, California.

He can be contacted at:
Stephen@WithTheseRings.com
805 527 2600

Marriage and the Presidential Candidates

2007-09-06T14:02:00.000-07:00

Marriage and the Presidential Candidates

I have often thought that the best way to tell if a candidate for president is truly qualified to lead the diverse population of leaders and ordinary folks like us would be to live inside his house for a few months.
I’d want to see how she relates to her husband when they quarrel, I’d want to see how authoritative he was. I’d look at how his children relate to him. I’d note their ability to perform in public but I’d also want to know if conflict in that home was embraced, related to lovingly and resolved. I’d ask about their recreational time, time spent with each other when all schedules, clocks, and agendas were shelved.

Marriage and family may be the best indicator of integrity, leadership ability, truthfulness, compassion and vision that we have. I’d also want to see how the candidate relates to the powerless – the plants in the house (are they cared for?), the pets (are they treated with firmness and compassion?) and the children (are they truly listened to?). Does our leader who wants to be president listen carefully, help the children process their challenges, support and comfort them?

Effective leadership requires each of these and more. Leaders who strut around publicly trying to impress people with their decisiveness may simply be bullies. Leaders who relate inflexibly to the needs of voters may simply be tuned out at home. Weak leaders who flip flop all over the place trying to lead by the polls may simply be passive and self absorbed – hanging on to power at any cost.

I read recently in the New York Times or perhaps it was Investor’s Business Daily that all leaders are corrupt by the very nature of the game. That may be true but I’m not that cynical. I think that politics surely involves the ability to compromise, negotiate and adapt to changing conditions. Having the ability to do that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re corrupt.

But family is or could be a reliable indicator of who has substance and who does not.

Another way of assessing a leader’s genuineness would be to take a close look at how they relate to their parents. Is this the dutiful daughter in would be presidential clothes? Is he unable to be truthful with the two most powerful people in his life? Can he love them and still differentiate himself in his choices, life style, ideas, commitments?

I offer some writer out there this idea: write a book on “the fathers of the presidents” and their relationships with them. Get it ready to publish but wait until the most likely candidates are visible for the next presidential election. Then, give a brief on each candidate’s relationship with his or her parents. I’m not talking a “life style” brief. I’m suggesting a well researched look into the dynamics of the relationship.
If you do that and we read it, we’ll have a far better understanding of the candidates we want to support, than we do by the current method. I’m not suggesting that “issues” aren’t valid. Where the candidate stands on the war, on poverty, health care education, national infra structure, the environment – are all necessary to the assessment of their desirability as candidates. But knowing that gives us only partial information since those ‘stands’ can and do change with the polls.

There’s a poem I saw in a kindergarten room some years ago. It said this: “who knows which way the wind blows, neither you nor I, but when the trees bow down their heads, the wind is passing by.”

We need to know how candidates for president will look in the wind storms of the future. Seeing them through their most basic interactions in family will tell us that.

Stephen W. Frueh PhD

Stephen is a Leadership coach and mentor. He has written a book on marriage (With These Rings Volume I) and numerous articles. His articles and podcasts can be found at www.marriageconversation.com

Stephen can be reached at:
805 527 2600
and Stephen@withtheserings.com

For overview of the With These Rings model: www.WithTheseRings.com
For articles and podcasts: www.MarriageConversation.com
For blog: www.marriageconversation.blogspot.com
For speaking and presentations: www.stephenfrueh.com

Marriage: Labor of Love

2007-08-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

Marriage: Labor of Love

Labor Day is a time to honor those who labor and are not necessarily compensated accordingly. It is a time for gratitude and a calling as well, to consider that labor, the kind that makes this large industrial machine work, is often the burden of the faceless and the powerless. The blood and sweat of our fathers and uncles who stepped off a boat or an airplane, who crossed a river at night – not as terrorists or thieves – but simply as hopefuls, longed for a life in which their labor could support their families, provide education even perhaps reliable health care.

Labor Day honors the struggle of men and women for fair treatment, for their right to representation in the huge and powerful money exchanges of industry. Labor Day throws a light on injustice, exploitation, discrimination and the self righteous attitudes of those who feel entitled. It means we are invited to pause in appreciation for the work days invested in building bridges, buildings, roads, dams – in short, the infrastructure we take for granted. The men and women who so labor have families, dreams, visions of a better life every bit as much as the ‘leveraged’ many who have assumed they deserve a pathway to abundance.

In marriage it may be as simple as honoring work for which there is no pay, gratitude for the simple barely noticed attentiveness that keeps children healthy or safe or learning. The With These Rings model of marriage teaches a paradigm that supports partnership. It notices that love is conscious appreciation for the subtle gifts – tenderness, vigilance, and the giving of time.

The old paradigm was patriarchal. It fostered a hierarchy of valuing which could easily distort into valuing metrics only. “Time is money.” “The cash value of an idea.” “Status is what we work for,” – all of these easily translating into under- appreciating those who cared for and fostered healthy family life.

Partnership within families honors the individual gifts of each and all family members. Partnership looks for the creation of a new language in which men and women can talk about shared vision, common aspirations, the beauty of conflict and the labor of love. Love is a lot of things, but we must notice that labor is involved. We ‘work’ at being consciously loving of our partners, and that means that we decide to look at our own attitudes towards the non or not so powerful, the work of the one who doesn’t directly produce income, the gifts of those who contribute heart knowledge.

We work too at manifesting our own love, to leave our narcissistic self involvement behind and instead measure our lives by the impact our loving makes in the lives of those we say we love. Being a grown up is not an easy path. Money may make it easier but also it may obscure the pathway to true and effective partnering between men and women, parents and children and of course, leaders and those they lead.

So I invite you to expand your vision of this Labor Day weekend as I invite you to reconsider the power bases within your family. True partnership honors justice, equality, and freedom. It is a gift we only realize through the conscious application of our labor.

Pre Marital Coaching and the issue of Contempt

2007-08-09T16:43:00.000-07:00

Mark Goodyear has left a new comment on your post "Pre Marriage
> Coaching":
>
> This reminds me of John Gottman's Love Lab. John Medina, a scientist
> who worked with Gottman, told me that the number one predictor of
> marriage failure is contempt.When partners show contempt for each
> other, the marriage will fail 95% of the time. Or something like
> that.So here's the question. Can you teach people not to show contempt
> through pre-marital counseling?
>
> Moderate comments for this blog:
> http://www.blogger.com/moderate-comment.g?blogID=27202569
>
> Posted by Mark Goodyear to The Marriage Conversation Blog at 11:32 AM
Mark:
"Some say the world will end in fire and some say in ice.." Contempt is ice. Also it may be petrified anger. I'm a coach and teach people to identify and transform deeply held wounds that manifest as calcified or petrified anger - in other words, contempt. The transformation usually comes out looking like passion - a deep discovery of their own right to love and be loved. It's a function of Grace.
So we don't teach people not to show contempt but instead we teach them how to transform their wounds (the roots of contempt) into their passion.
Pre marital counseling helps them identify where their own work is and where the potential booby traps in relationship are for them.
Stephen

Sweet breezes of August

2007-08-07T17:44:00.001-07:00

Back in Hoboken where I was born, August was associated with humid and hot days. Fireplug days for kids. The ice man delivered ice to our apartment, a huge block of ice on his shoulder held by iron tongs. We'd ask for chips out at his wagon and grinning his missing teeth smile he'd oblige.

Around the corner a small Italian man made Italian ices and sold them out of his garage. One nickle. Fresh lemon, custard, strawberry, cherry, rootbeer - all made fresh. We ran around with shirts off playing kick the can on city streets, and listened for the melancholy howls of the rag man, the fruits and vegetable wagon, bell tinkling on a string across the front seat. My father was a milk man and as an occassional treat would bring home fresh choclate milk that we drank from the bottle.

Here is Southern California, August has surprised us with balmy weather, sweet breezes and cool nights. There are few children playing in the streets, parks or front lawns. We miss the sounds of the city, the vitality of community before television took away our neighborhoods and we miss the characters who delivered our milk, bread, vegetables, ice, coal and accepted our rags.

Marriage flourishes within community. In our time we have to create it. It will not happen through nostalgia, or indifference. How about making August a time to create a block party or a neighbors in the park day. You couldn't spend your time more fruitfully and you'll be changing the course of civilization.

Pre Marriage Coaching

2007-07-25T13:05:00.000-07:00

Recently a young woman called me to inquire about 'pre marital coaching.' "Do you have a program?" she asked. I said "Do you?" She laughed. I asked her several more serious questions: "Tell me what you think marriage is? What is your vision for you and your honey? What would a 'good' marriage look like? What are some indicators of a 'bad' marriage?

'How many marriages do you know or are familiar with (there's that old word family again) that you respect? Who in your lives could be a good model, a good coach or mentor for you? If your marriage was to fail what would you predict the cause to be?

'Is one of you more serious about marriage than the other? What gifts do each of you bring to relationship?'

I asked a few more. Then she stopped me. "I just wanted to know if you have a program/ seminar or workshop that we could attend," she said. "I haven't really thought about all those questions."

A good introductory 'course' on marriage would include those and many more questions and their answers. Chances are this young couple hasn't had a lot of help in thinking about marriage, chances are that they've seen a good number of failed marriages and that they want to 'do it right.'

We start out with huge hopes for the possibilities of our love. That's the good news. The uncomfortable news is that when this couple marries, few will help them establish a healthy path, few will be there to comfort and encourage, teach or coach them in how to transform their early enthusiasm into a life of rich possibility together.

The answer to her question? Yes, we do offer "pre marital coaching and seminars." We also offer email and phone coaching, resources, and workshops. We believe that marriage is a good thing and people of good will, as is this young woman, need all the support they can get.

The With These Rings Newsletter

2007-07-17T17:21:00.001-07:00

New things are happening. This week we launch the With These Rings newsletter. You can receive a free copy of With These Rings, Volume I by subscribing and forwarding the newsletter to your own email address book. Just go to With These Rings or http://www.marriageconversation.com/ and sign on. Of course you'll have to send us your snail mail address as well.

The Newsletter is meant to serve the growing community of people who are interested in and invested in the Marriage Conversation. You'll get advice, tips, resources and articles. And we invite you to send us movie and book reviews (relevant to the Marriage Conversation), as well as any 'heads up' offerings (workshops/ seminars/ presentations) that you know about.

Some will want to take advantage of a new feature we'll be offering: email and phone coaching. Just let us know of your interest info@WithTheseRings.com and we'll respond within 24 hours.

For Therapists, Pastoral Counselors, and other help agents, there is an open invitation to become familiar with the With These Rings model. We offer seminars, online and phone coaching.

Please check out the new speaker's web site: http://www.stephenfrueh.com/ You can download what they call, in the business, a "one page" which will give you a thumbnail description of some of Stephen's keynotes and presentations.

We look forward to hearing from you.

The Magnificent Seven: Does it make for a better Marriage?

2007-07-06T13:47:00.000-07:00

The Magnificent Seven: Does it make for a better Marriage?

Seven is the atomic number of nitrogen, the number of spots on a ladybug and we know that most mammals have seven bones in their necks. We love seven.

Seven is the international direct dial for Russia. There are the Seven Hills of Rome, seven liberal arts and Seven Wonders of the world. A lot of folks are getting married on July 7th too.

God rested on the seventh day, Jubilee comes after seven times seven years, a Jewish bride and groom are feted with seven days of festive meals after their wedding (Sheva Berachot).

There are seven virtues – Chastity, Moderation, Liberality, Charity, Meekness, Zeal, and Humility. And these correspond to the Seven Deadly Sins.

Seven is the number of notes in the Western Major Scale. So, why don’t more people have seven children?

And look at this: the ‘number’ for women is four (4) and the ‘number’ for men is three (3). Seven represents the union of men and women. And, we are interested in union. It is also true that many marriages begin to break down at the 5 – 7 year point.

And, so we come to July 7, 2007 or 07/07/07 – men and women around the world will join together in holy matrimony on that magnificent day.

What do you think? Do they do this because it will be easy to remember their anniversary date (anything that can help guys remember is a plus). Or do many of us long to memorialize our joining in a way that reminds us of just how special this wedding is?

We live in a time of increasing consciousness about what the wedding is really about, what it should cost, where it should take place. Many couples are less worried about tradition (translate to ‘mother’s opinions’), show and pomp, and are more focused on affordability (as it relates to overall financial health), scale (do we really need to invite everyone we’ve ever met?), and meaning as they find it in their present lives.

We may be getting ready to take marriage itself more seriously – take a look at the recently published With These Rings, Volume I. After all, it is common for couples getting married to come from divorced parents. They will intimately know the pain and displacement that divorce offers children. Perhaps their own marriage will be created will more caution, more thought, and more counsel than that of their parents.

Seven also carries the idea of bringing spirituality and Godliness into the creation – in this case, into the marriage.

We know deep longing for connection to one another, connection that transcends and undergirds physical intimacy. Marrying we marry our hopes and expectations as we see them in relationship to another. Our lover embodies our deepest needs – or so we imagine it to be – and for awhile at least, they may manifest an understanding of those needs. We believe in our partners in ways that they themselves never imagined.

Marriage is widely known to be a challenge after three or four years because the magical effects of newness, hormones and just plain busyness begins to wear thin.

A deep spiritual connection could sustain our love even as a well understood philosophy of commitment would inform our conversations. As we discover ‘who’ it is that we married, and as we slowly withdraw the ideals we put on them – we are invited to discover this stranger who we barely knew but whom we wisely chose.

Marriage is about companionship to be sure. It is also about learning to relate intelligently. Perhaps at a deeper level marriage is about discovering our own capacity to love.

Reported in the L.A.Times this morning, a young man talked exuberantly to a reporter about his coming marriage which would take place at 7am on 07/07/07. He said something like “we can’t miss. This love will last forever.” We all like magic. Perhaps believing in the alignment of sevens will take you where you are wanting to go. For my part, I see continual transformation of your loving as the deepest magic possible.

Stephen W. Frueh M.Div, PhD is a leadership consultant, couples’ coach, mentor, writer and speaker. He is a professional member of the National Speaker’s Association. He lives with his wife and nine year old daughter in Ventura County, California.

He can be contacted at:
Stephen@WithTheseRings.com
805 527 2600

Changing Civilization

2007-06-28T14:15:00.000-07:00

This morning, someone I know really well told me a dream about her mother. Her mother, you might want to know, died many years ago. As she related the dream I realized she was re-evaluating the relationship she had with her mother. She was looking at the way she and her mother protected her father from all emotionally troubling information.

She and her mother thought of that as 'being kind' or 'being considerate' of the father who happened to be a busy professional man. As she talked she grew increasingly emotional. She was seeing the many ways she protects people of importance in her life. She was realizing too, that the protection wasn't really needed by those people and didn't help them or her at all. In fact, it hindered their ability to know her.

She was quickly moving into a much deeper realization. "If I stop protecting everyone from the things I know," she said, "I'll soon be living in a reality that I didn't create and cannot control. I'll be changing the entire premise of my life."

"You are changing civilization," I said. The civilization we know best is the one we grew up in and our most intimate knowledge of that civilization came from the interactions, emotion, spiritual orientation and physical presence of the two most powerful people in our lives - our parents.

You can look at history, your own, that way. You can begin to evalute the spoken and unspoken attitudes, beliefs, and expectations that your mother and father, their brothers and sisters and parents - the entire pantheon of ancestors that you bring into your living room, kitchen and bedroom.

In letting yourself 'see' your psychological/ emotional/ spiritual history you open the door to seeing your relationship more clearly. It just may be the beginning of the end of judging, criticizing, diagnosing and blaming your partner for all that's missing in your marriage.

When I Fall in Love..

2007-06-19T18:32:00.000-07:00

"when I fall in love
it will be forever
or I'll never fall in love.

In a restless world like this is
love is ended before its begun
And too many moonlight kisses
seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart
it will be completely
or I'll never give my heart

And the moment that I feel that
you feel that way too
Is when I'll fall in love
with you....

A Tipping Point in your Marriage

2007-06-14T19:54:00.000-07:00

Many marriages slide relentlessly into a sort of flat lined, vacant, humorless existence. But if you're reading this I have reason to believe you want something better. You might want a marriage that fulfills the promise of your enthusiasm the day you agreed to marry. You might imagine a relationship that works where conflict is an asset, intimacy is a felt need and frequently available, and where conversation is intriguing, challenging and meaningful.

You might want to realize the vision we've shared with you in the recently published With These Rings, Vol. I. We see marriage as full of promise. It is often unrealized and that explains the flat lined existence many couples live in.

Marriage is really three journeys within one journey. Each journey is legitimate in its own right and each journey is realized by your courage to embrace its challenges. You can't talk about these journeys in the usual way. They are not "linear," reasonable, sequential or predicable. We think the journeys can only be talked about in something approaching mythical language.

Stories serve us well here. Like the teachings of Jesus, our stories carry meaning far beyond the details. We look for milestones. And we look for turning points. Turning points?

A good marriage will build a base that is founded on what each individual in the marriage already knows. They'll work something through or out - like the purchase of a house, or an agreement on child care. But there will come a time when what you believe is challenged by your partner. It needs to be. New information has been accrued. New understanding of needs has surfaced. Times change. We grow.

The opportunity for your relationship has "tipped" into bigger and deeper possibilities. It is at this point that some seek therapy. The story/ stories surrounding this time will hold lots of drama. Some think their relationship is over. Some believe they no longer love. But if you can stay the course, the discoveries are life altering. This is why we call most divorces abortions.

The tipping point may be as simple as the surrender to a new way of seeing. It may involve the discovery of deep empathy. It may mean you are discovering a new level of your own authority.

We say, trust it. Don't run. Don't diagnose your partner. Don't judge, theorize, speculate. Instead, Stop. Look. And Listen to what's going on. You may be on the edge of a whole new way to relate, expand, and enjoy your choice of partner.

Kludging the Marriage Conversation

2007-06-08T14:00:00.000-07:00

Kludging the Marriage Conversation

We’ve often referred to divorce as the abortion of a promise, a miscarriage of hope. We see that many couples who divorce do so because they lack a truly compelling marriage paradigm. ‘What? I thought it was because they were ‘incompatible’ or didn’t love each other any more.’

It’s not that simple. Without a viable and relevant model to inform their thinking about the journey of marriage, they will mistakenly focus on diagnosis of each other.

They may dumb down conversation, reducing their complaints to “we’d have a good relationship if it weren’t for you.” (that, by the way, is the title of an interesting book by Dr. Bruce Derman)

Focusing on what’s wrong with our partners, or indulging in fantasies such as ‘we just don’t have anything in common,’ or ‘love doesn’t last forever,’ or ‘she’s just not the woman I (thought) I married’ – seduce into a rationale that justifies our relational incompetence.

Some of us kludge. I’ll tell you a story about a recent conversation with one of my sons regarding computers, software and solutions to challenges. He described a ‘work around’ which, as I understood it, was a temporary solution to a difficult problem.
“Like divorce” I said. No, he said. “I think of divorce more as giving up on an engineering project – deciding not to engineer rather than actually trying to do the work. A kludge is still work. It’s just a quick solution to get the thing up and running with the knowledge that you will need to come back later and re-engineer it…If you get a divorce, you are deciding to abort the relationship. There may be more work to do with your kids etc. But the couple divorcing is quitting the work (and challenges) of marriage – an engineering project left undone.”

So, I said, maybe we could call an affair a kludge. Or, maybe coldness, distance, abuse, superiority, diagnosis… would qualify to be called kludging. All quick ‘solutions’ to present challenges that do not last.
But the analogy breaks down there. Because in the case of marriage these “solutions” are not only temporary – they get you out of working on the problem or challenge – they are also harmful, toxic and lead towards patterns that ultimately destroy.

But kludge isn’t thought of as a bad temporary solution. It is only a temporary but necessary one. So are there good kludges in relationship?

The recently released With These Rings Vol.I offers long and short term solutions to relationship challenges that actually work. Couples that have given up hope, couples who chronically argue or no longer communicate, couples whose intimate conversations have steadily decreased in frequency find good information and solid coaching in this book. I’m Stephen Frueh, the author, and I promise you you’ll get a great deal of useful information from With These Rings. If you don’t, mail it back to me and I’ll refund your money.

As my wife walked in the front door, arms full of groceries, I said, ‘need help?’ “I need a whole lot more than help with the groceries,” she said as she put the bags on the table. “Wow” I thought. “That’s a loaded response. Should I ‘go there’ or let it go?”

We talked of the demands on her time and energy, of both of our busy schedules, of how little time we had with each other. Later I got some take out and set the table in the RV, put on some classical music, opened a bottle of Sake and we sat and talked. I kludged her.

That brief moment didn’t solve any of our bigger (and long term) challenges, but it did address the immediate need for a course correction. It did keep our marriage going even with all the built in challenges and it reminded us that bigger solutions to busyness had to be addressed.

The many dynamics of successful relationships can overwhelm us. Or we can take a proactive approach, embrace challenge and the conflict that comes with it and intentionally look for lasting solutions to relationship destroyers. Kludge when you have to but don’t forget to come back and create new pathways to intimacy.

If we don’t, every day will look a lot like yesterday.

Why don't you just admit it?

2007-06-04T21:09:00.000-07:00

I discovered some time ago that when it came to actually loving another human being I was short in skills. Relationally incompetent is what I called myself. Oh, I knew how to 'fall in love,' I knew how to sentimentally attach to another, and I was expert in creating a need to be needed.

One night I told my wife "I have no idea how to love you." She soon admitted she was challenged there as well. Could it be we made a mistake? I thought that there must be other possibilities.

Soon we were openly talking about our own fears, insecurities and just plain lack of information. We had assumed that because we loved each other we would know how to love each other. Wrong. They are not at all the same. In fact, it may be the easiest thing in the world to feel love for another. We feel love for puppies too and we easily fall in love with entertainers whose performances touch us. We sometimes 'love' teachers and we tell ourselves we love our children.

But loving our children like loving our partners is altogether a different matter. We saw that we had a lot of growing up to do. We also saw we would need to ask a lot of questions. In the Russian poet, Anna Akmatova's poem The Guest, there is this line "tell me how they kiss you. Tell me how you kiss."

Loving may simply be intelligent listening, genuine questioning, and non possessive caring of two human beings who are deeply interested in each other.

We welcome your thoughts on loving and love.

Summer's Coming

2007-05-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

Every family with school age children faces the challenge of helping those children maximize the joys of summer. The experiences that enrich their lives may not be confined to the movies they see or the television they watch. Summer offers unstructured time that is valuable in itself.

Consider creating conversations with your children about their visions, ideas and desires for spending time in which no school bell rings, and no time frame is relevant. We look for relationships we want to encourage, projects they can do on their own with just minimal supervision, books to read, and artistic talents to explore. A recently published book The Do It Yourself family by Eric Strommer is a good place to start.

You can act as a "consultant" to your child's sense of what they want to do and where they want to spend time. We've helped several families establish a 'no tv' zone for the entire summer. The days are long, the opportunities almost endless and there's plenty of time.

We ask you to write to us, give us your ideas for helping children utilize summer as a time of growing and expanding. We look forward to hearing from you.

Weekends in paradise

2007-05-24T18:49:00.000-07:00

This is the Memorial Day weekend and we're not going anywhere, not doing anything, not stressing about what we should be doing and not competing with what the neighbors are doing. We're home. Our home is situated on a hill in eastern Ventura County. A little piece of county land called an Urban Rural Reserve. Nice name.

Since they named it that they've put more traffic on the street at the bottom of the hill, added houses in the city strip of land next to our reserve, built a presidential library on a nearby hill and more or less stripped away a lot of the 'rural reserve' part. But it's still our small piece of paradise.

This weekend we'll barbeque, tend to the yard, play games with our children, listen to some music, read a few stories and through it all, learn a little more about each other. For us, it's not a weekend to go away but a weekend to go towards each other. We'll create a little of the rural reserve right in our own back yard.

What was I thinking?

2007-05-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

I'm really into the marriagen conversation. So much so that I sometimes overlook all the fun I'm having in my own marriage. Last night my wife Lynn, bustling about preparing for a day of jury duty that would pretty much wipe out all the other things she would want to be doing on Friday, well, she handed me a big brown envelope and said "this has to go to the Post Office tomorrow morning."

"What's inside?" I said, knowing full well that she was mailing the final edited version of her doctoral dissertation. "It's my thesis!" she said, I thought, somewhat impatiently. She's been working on that thing this last year and trying to balance being a mom, a grandmom, a wife, a professional (therapist), a major part of a new organization etc. During that time I have tried my best to fill in for her wherever possible but I have my own challenges.

We looked at each other over the big brown envelope that contained so much of her: intelligence, wit, passion, resiliency, doggedness - and knew something right there. Our marriage was more than what she calls "the regular" meaning, I think, companionship, tenderness, shared dreams. Our marriage was also a shared partnership in which we both acknowledged each other's hard work and supported each other's individuality and sense of purpose.

In all that, I sometimes forget how much fun it is to live with her, tease her, challenge her and fight with her. Last night we connected over a brown envelope. This morning I stood for 25 minutes in a line at the Post Office holding her in my hands. Then I mailed her.

Focus on the Big Stuff

2007-05-16T17:31:00.000-07:00

The computer technician is down in my guest house office and I have irritated him by asking too many questions. He's the best at what he does that I have ever found so I tread lightly. Recently I had a friend instal some added memory and as a result my computer went belly up. The friend said it had nothing to do with him. "Must be a ______problem," he said.

I called my computer guy and he came over and spent three hours fixing what my friend may or may not have done. Then the computer guy said this. "Would you coach a couple if several other coaches or counselors were also coaching them?" I said no, and saw what he meant.

The small picture is that I thought I was getting a break by having my friend instal the additional memory. The straight shot is, maintaining computers is a lot like relationships generally, you want to be sure you're all working from the same playbook.

What I often forget is the big picture. My wife is irritable but it has nothing to do with me. She's tired, parented out, frustrated by her own business, dealing with aging. The big picture is my love for her and her right to live her life, have her feelings, experience her frustrations without it being a statement about me.

How does this relate to the computer guy? Well, if I could see the big picture of his knowledge and care of our computers I wouldn't even consider having someone else put their hands on the keyboards.
Marriage is far more intricate and also simpler than my challenges with this computer and its software. The key seems to be to focus on one thing at a time. Paying attention to my anxiety rather than her challenges clears a path to intimate conversation in which I ask questions rather than speculate on her motives.

My friend who installed new software was oblivious regarding how our computers are networked, the impact his programs would have on our firewalls and the work we had already done in the area he was trying to correct.

Like marriage, he would have served me better if he had asked a few questions before assuming he knew what was needed.

Life is short. Embrace your Marriage

2007-05-14T09:57:00.000-07:00

We're back. With These Rings Vol.I is now available at our web site www.WithTheseRings.com and through Amazon, Barnes and Noble and AdvantageBookstore.com Vol.II will be out by early summer.

The Marriage Conversation is beginning. We were privileged to have a full hour radio interview with Shannon D. Sanford of WBTQ in New York. You can listen to it by going to her web site or WBTQ. We'll have it posted on WithTheseRings.com as well.

We're inviting you to participate in a conversation about marriage. Post your comments, ask your questions, send silly ideas. We'll look at all of them.

Today's silly idea appeared in yesterday's (Sundays) New York Times (May 13, 2007) in the Week in Review section (p.14). You have to see it to believe it. It's an ad by a Chicago attorney that reads "Life is short. Get a divorce."

We're used to things being dumbed down but is this the crudest yet? Let me know your ideas, opinions, etc.

marriage conversation

2006-09-28T12:05:00.000-07:00

What's yelling about? Who are you yelling at? Step back. Ask yourself this: what is happening right now that has me so scared? What is in my memory bank? What does this remind me of? What am I afraid I'm losing/ is going to happen? Who is biggest in my imagination right now?

Yelling takes you away from what you need and pulls you into your fear. The trick is to 'sober up' and let go of the emotional rush that you get when you connect to your fear.

Stan and Dee feed off each other's fear. Their children are learning how to duplicate their patterns and if Stan and Dee don't soon stop their self indulgence, the children will have a lot of work to do in their own marriages.

What would be most helpful to say to Stan if you were on the phone?

What are you yelling about?

2006-09-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

We can see/ hear/ feel the hysteria in the family. Also, it's not hard to get Stan's sense of love for his family, and that his competence is heavily challenged. What would you do? What would you say?

What are you yelling about?

2006-09-22T17:39:00.000-07:00

I am a marriage coach which is a lot different than being a marriage counselor. Coaches can coach which means we often direct and advise - not so common among counselors. The couple I will tell you about is not fictional so I will change identifiable characteristics to protect their dignity and privacy. You will not be able to identify them from this blog even if you had a list of every couple I've worked with over the past 25 years.

Stan and Dee called to get some help. I happened to pick up the phone and got them "live." In the background I could hear children screaming and Stan was saying, no, yelling, "give me a little space!" When he got to a quieter part of the house he was crying. "We're a mess" he said. "Everyone is yelling and now it's getting physical. I don't know what to do!"

We started with basic information. What's going on. How did this begin? Tell me a little about who is in the most pain. Who is the most frightened? Stan said, "frightened? No one is frightened. Everyone is mad as hell. My son came home and changed the TV to a program he wanted to see and all hell broke loose. My daughter hit him. My wife hit my daughter and this just as I came in from work. I started yelling for everyone to calm down, but it only got worse. Dee pushed me and told me I had no business yelling, that I was always yelling and that's why nobody respected anyone in this family. Then she started yelling at all the children to go to their rooms. No TV tonight! My son threw his backpack at the TV as he went by it to go up the
stairs." He started crying again. "I think we're falling apart."

Podcast #9: Spirtuality and grief

2006-04-28T08:43:00.000-07:00

How your spiritual instincts show up in the face of grief -- yours or others. If you have faced grief you know how difficult words can be.

Listen to my podcast on this topic here.

Podcast #8: Dealing with personal pain

2006-04-28T08:42:00.000-07:00

Do you remember a time of great personal pain? Many of us are wounded but for some the wounds seem to get in the way of personal relationships.

Listen to my podcast on this topic here.

Podcast #7: Lifeless marriages

2006-04-28T08:41:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder why so many marriages seem lifeless, boring or even deeply troubled? How many marriages do you know that would make a good model for your own marriage? Marriage needs a whole new way of imagining its promise, its richness, and its complexity.

Listen to my podcast on this topic here.

Podcast #6: Chronic arguments with your teenager

2006-04-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

Do you find yourself having the same argument over and over again with your teenaged child? Teens like to challenge authority, but in order to speak with authority, you have to know a few basic things.

Listen to my podcast on this subject here.

Podcast #5: I don't want to talk about it

2006-04-28T08:38:00.000-07:00

Avoiding conflict is a major relationship destroyer. Try taking a step back and say something else to defuse the situation.

Listen to my podcast here on this topic.

Podcast #4: Finishing each other's sentences

2006-04-28T08:36:00.000-07:00

My wife is so bright she thinks she knows what I am going to say before I finish saying it. Anticipation of what our partner is going to do or say is a relationship stopper. It helps you to listen and to discover who they are.

Listen to my podcast on this subject here.

Podcast #3: Seeing eye to eye with your spouse

2006-04-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

Do you and your spouse always see eye to eye? The way we "see" the world absolutely forms the way we talk about important matters. The way men are conditioned to fantasize about sex is hugely different than the way women imagine it.

Lisen to my podcast on this topic here.

Podcast #2: Fighting about money

2006-04-28T08:30:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a fight with your spouse about money ? Fights about finances are one of the most common challenges that couples face. But the trick is how to look into yourself and understand your own fears.

Listen to my podcast here.

Welcome to The Marriage Conversation

2006-04-28T07:16:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the Marriage Conversation podcasts.

Listen to my first podcast here